found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
