Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
