i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
