I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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