her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
