I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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