she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
