Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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