You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
