When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
