Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
