Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
