Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
