she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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