Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
