did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
i think i just naturally attract stoners
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
