Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
