I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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