we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
