My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
