Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Found your dick twin last night
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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