apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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