It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
