I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
