i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
