Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
