my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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