Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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