My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
