I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
