So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
