He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
