Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
