Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
