I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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