We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
