I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
