Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
