I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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