i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
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