I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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