just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.