im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
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I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
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But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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