So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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