My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
