why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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