i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
