i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
