if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
