I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
he fucked my hip out of place.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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