We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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