I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
