I met the friendliest cop last night
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
