dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
