my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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