Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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