Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Randomize
