life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
