so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
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Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
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He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
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